Top 10: Theatre-going Commandments
Friday 3rd July, 10.10am
We all know how exciting it can be taking in a great West End show: the drama, the glitz, the glamour. However, this isn’t Robot Wars – there needs to be rules!
So, sparked by a debate in The Times, which theatre-going rules would you chose to implement across Theatreland so as not to spoil anyone’s enjoyment?
Okay, well let’s run through a few candidates then and you can suggest revisions afterwards. Sound good? Righto, first up is one of the most fundamental rules, I think:
1. THOU SHALT NOT EAT
To paraphrase King Lear: “Never, never, never, never, never… eat anything in the theatre.” You may have noticed that, unlike the local Nickelodeon, West End theatres do not have a hi-octane, sugary mess hall for a foyer.
Surreptitiously enjoying the last of that interval glass of wine is fine, providing you don’t slurp at it too vigourously or gargle the theme tune to Match of the Day with it. However, twisting plasticky sweet wrappers or relentlessly grazing on popcorn is just not on. Verboten.
2. THOU SHALT TURN THY MOBILE OFF
Yes, another no-brainer for my money. Mobiles 100% need to be switched off well before the show starts. No, not on vibrate, off; right off.
Having someone buzz like an angry bumble-bee three rows back is just as distracting as having some tiny polyphonic orchestra blurt into life. I mean, save yourself the embarrassment, having a ringing telephone during a dramatic scene is plain excruciating.
Exhibit A: I was watching Spring Awakening about three months ago, right in the middle of the tender denouement someone’s BlackBerry started kicking-up all sorts of racket. The show closed three-and-a-half weeks later. Coincidence? I think not.
3. THOU SHALT NOT BE LATE
One of the most heinous of all the theatrical trespasses, do not be late. I was late once, I confess. Awful it was – I was in Cambridge and I was trying to get to see this Ayckbourne thingy at The Arts Theatre. I was walking down the street to the theatre when I noticed that the road had been closed up ahead by the fire brigade because a house was ablaze! I had to turn back and find another route. The play had already started and I had to apologetically shuffle in five minutes late. The shame was almost intolerable. So, ye brothers and sisters, do not as I have done, follow the fold and stray no more.
4. THOU SHALT NOT PAY CELEBRITIES MORE HEED THAN OTHER PERFORMERS
Benedict Nightingale picks this up in her article and I think she’s bang-on to do so. Just because so and so is in films, or you’ve seen someone who you recognise from off The Bill, don’t applaud them on. It’s silly, it must make the other actors uneasy and it marks anyone that does so out as being a complete berk.
5. THOU SHALT NOT TALK
The odd occasional whisper may just pass, providing it’s an emergency, but clucking away like an old hen is out. Here are two conversations that fall either side of the threshold of acceptability.
This might just be okay: (Delicate whisper) “Excuse me dear, my leg seems to be on fire, may I just squeeze past you into the aisle so that I can be rushed to hospital?”
This is taboo: (Shouting) Here, is that the chap off The Bill? (to the actor) Here mate, you in The Bill?
6. THOU SHALT NOT SING-A-LONG
Now, I understand that I may be in the minority here, but singing along to show tunes is pretty rough if you ask me. I don’t even like it in big jukebox numbers like Mamma Mia, so belting out As Long As He Needs Me with Jodie Prenger is beyond. Way, way beyond.
7. THOU SHALT NOT EMPHASISE LAUGHTER TO PROVE YOU GET A JOKE
Shakespeare is funny, but some 400-year-old quip about smallpox is not exactly Justin Lee Collins, is it?
If you catch the odd subtle reference to the French disease or the plight of the Catholics in Elizabethan England then a quiet, wry smile to yourself should suffice. Bellowing with laughter and slapping your thigh with mirth at Much Ado About Nothing does not make you look like an intellectual.
8. THOU SHALT NOT GET FRESH
Another colossal disparity between the cinema and the theatre is this: when accompanying a young lady or a young gentleman to the theatre, never try the age-old yawn-to-arm-over-the-shoulder manoeuvre. I don’t care if you’re sitting in the back row.
Come on guys; don’t make me get my ruler out. And that’s not a euphemism.
9. THOU SHALT NOT VIDEO THE ACTORS
This has only ever happened to me once, but if I see anyone trying to video a play with their mobile phone again I might jolly well actually say something next time. The footage is going to be rubbish anyway and, really, well, it’s just a bit weird isn’t it?
When did it start being okay for the public to ram lenses into people’s faces because they’re famous or because your friend really likes this bit? It’s totally off and, without getting too pompous about it, it breaks the whole magic of the shared experience that theatre can bring about.
10. THOU SHALT NOT GET BOGGED DOWN WITH ALL THIS RULES NONSENSE
I understand this may seem a strange note to finish on, bearing in mind the previous nine commandments, but I think too much emphasis is placed on how one must and must not behave in situations like this.
The previous nine “rules” are just common courtesy really, things that any conscientious person would observe because it’s just, well, standard civilised practice.
The main thing, of course, is that theatre-goers enjoy themselves and are not put off by a barrage of supposed etiquette bunkum. Theatre can be an electrifying experience, one that absolutely everyone can enjoy.
As long as you understand that everything you see and hear is happening completely live and any attention you attract towards yourself you detract from the performers then you’ll be absolutely fine.
Part of the magic of live theatre is that it all happens in one exact space and at one exact point in time; all one need remember is that they are in and part of that space too.
First!